hard, difficult studies

Guys, I am really struggling with motivation right now. In light of this, I would like to share with you one of the most, if not the most impactful page (outside of scripture) that I have read. I have probably cited or referenced this quote to many of you at some point. I am not going to give any kind of interpretation of this quote, or how I have tried to understand it. I think it can speak for itself, but I do want you to know that I think about this quote ALL THE TIME.

This is a quote from the English translation of “The Brothers Karamazov” by Fyodor Dostoevsky. It appears at the beginning of chapter 5.

“Some will say, perhaps, that Alyosha was slow, undeveloped, had not finished his studies, and so on. That he had not finished his studies is true, but to say that he was slow or stupid would be a great injustice. I will simply repeat what I have already said above: he set out upon this path only because at the time it alone struck him and presented him all at once with the whole ideal way out for his soul struggling from darkness to light. Add to this that he was partly a young man of our time – that is, honest by nature, demanding the truth, seeking it and believing in it, and in that belief demanding immediate participation in it with all the strength of his soul; demanding an immediate deed, with an unfailing desire to sacrifice everything for this deed, even life. Although, unfortunately, these young me do not understand that the sacrifice of life is, perhaps, the easiest of all sacrifices in many cases, while to sacrifices, for example, five or six years of their ebulliently youthful life to hard, difficult studies, to learning, in order to increase tenfold their strength to serve the very truth and the very deed that they loved and set out to accomplish – such sacrifice is quite often almost beyond the strength of many of them. Alyosha simply chose the opposite path from all others, but with the same thirst for an immediate deed. As soon as he reflected seriously and was struck by the conviction that immortality and God exist, he naturally said at once to himself: “I want to live for immortality, and I reject any halfway compromise.” In just the same way, if he had decided that immortality and God do not exist, he would immediately have joined the atheists and socialists (for socialism is not only the labor question or the question of the so-called fourth estate, but first of all the question of atheism, the question of the modern embodiment of atheism, the question of the Tower of Babel built precisely without God, not to go from earth to heaven but to bring heaven down to earth). To Alyosha it even seemed strange and impossible to go on living as before. It was said: “If thou wilt be perfect, give all that thou hast to the poor and come and follow me.” So Alyosha said to himself: “I cannot give two roubles instead of ‘all,’ and instead of ‘follow me’ just go to Sunday liturgy.”



I certainly don’t live up to this, but by the grace of God this is what I am striving for.

The warm summer breezes, The French wines and cheeses

I love stories and Jimmy Buffett is a darn good story teller. I’ll concede that many of his stories are simply a glorification of self and living a hedonistic lifestyle, however if you can get over the “Margarittaville” and the “Why don’t we get drunk and screw” you will find a worthwhile collection of stories. Part of the reason I love Jimmy Buffett is the nostalgia that it stirs up… the smell of sweat and diesel fuel as I worked on the sailboat with my dad, the smell of fresh mulch as we observed the “pseudo” family tradition of spreading mulch over memorial day weekend, or simply playing around the house. Many of my early memories have the tunes of Paul Simon, Jimmy Buffet, Billy Joel, Elton John, or perhaps the Oakridge Boys as their background. But I digress… The main point of this blog is to draw attention to one of, if not the best, (at least lyrically) Jimmy Buffett songs.

I encourage you to listen to the song before you read any more of this blog. Here is a link to a youtube video featuring the song “He Went to Paris” by Jimmy Buffett.

I could probably write multiple posts on this song (and I may), but for now I will focus on the lines, “The warm summer breezes, the French wines and cheeses, put his ambitions at bay” and there relevance to my current place in this life.

Now that I am working (not quite full time, since I’m still a grad student, but working none the less) and making my own money, I am starting to really feel the pull of the warm summer breezes, the French wines and cheeses, and I fear that they are starting to put some of my ambitions at bay. I have come to hold vacation up to an almost god-like status, or if it isn’t vacation it is simply the weekend. I spend most of my days dreaming about what I will do with those moments in which I don’t have to do anything, the warm summer breezes, the French wines and cheeses… I have this nagging thought that I was once a very ambitious guy, I was ready to take on the world’s problems. I look back at Hunter from freshmen year of college, and sure I see a lot of immaturity, but I also see a lot of unbridled ambition. I see a freshman at University of Illinois that might have actually believed that he could be the Daniel that brought the kingdom of Babylon to belief in the one true living God, the freshman that wanted to take on the AIDS crisis, and felt so much compassion for the suffering. I’m not sure what happened to that guy. I know he has grown up a lot, he has experienced things that he didn’t count on, but he’s not necessarily living the life he thought he would.

All of this brings me to a decision that I have recently made, that will helpfully lead me to recover some of that freshmen year at U of I Hunter. I’m probably being a little over dramatic hear, so I hope you aren’t expecting anything too spectacular.

I will be moving out of my apartment in about one month. I will be moving in with 4 guys from my church that live near downtown Raleigh. I am thrilled to live with Christian brothers again, and I am really excited to live closer to an actual urban area, but that being said there were certainly many hurdles keeping me from deciding to move. I thank God that he has stirred up the desire to move. I will be moving to a duplex in which I will have so much less living space that I am guessing I will need to rent public storage space to accommodate at least 50% of my possessions, which leads me to the obvious question, why the heck do I have all of this stuff? On top of this the area that I will be moving to is quite literally on the boundary line. The duplex is basically situated on the economic, class, and racial boundary line. You can look to the east and see prostitutes walking the streets or you can look to the west and see (from my estimations) half million dollar homes, with perfectly manicured lawns, elaborate landscaping, wind chimes, security systems, lexus SUVs, multiple refrigerators, finished basements, flat screen TVs, country club memberships, braces, boats, beach houses, etc….

I’m hoping and praying that this new home will allow me to let go of some of those summer breezes, French wines and cheeses (as much as I love them), and allow me to restore some of those ambitions that may have been put at bay.

This Holy Adventure

As I was journaling this morning, I reflected on all the change that has happened in my life over the past three years in Indiana, as well as how much change awaits me in the next three weeks. I'll be getting married in a few short days; going on my honeymoon; then returning and moving to St. Louis, changing jobs, and trying to find all new community. At times it feels daunting and stressful, producing anxiety and fear in my heart.

This morning however I was struck with a different thought. The changes that await me are part of a new adventure. Every good adventure is fraught with risk, danger and uncertainty. It would be quite a boring adventure if there was never an anxious moment or an uncertain resolution. The beauty of this adventure, though, is that all the risk, danger and uncertainty exist in the midst of journey that is simultaneously essential, joyful and rewarding. It is the adventure that has God has laid before Christy and I. And as sure as it is God's adventure for us, it is a holy adventure.

In this holy adventure I have the greatest of companions--my God and my bride. I have the greatest of promises--the faithfulness of both my companions. And though this journey will be filled with danger, pain and suffering there also the greatest of assurance--this is a holy adventure that will end with a happily ever after.